Audio of me

I will be moving these to the Internet Archive soon.


Where are the Joneses?

So, I found that Matt Lee tried to make me a 37 year old stupid ass wanker on this web video comedy thing, but I have signed up and put up some real information about myself.

You can help by voting for me to be made into a character and therefore immortalised for evermore.

This week at Hammers

Hammer’s News. On Monday, Rick and Simon will be doing the pub quiz. Top prize this week is a nearly new drum of Swarfega provided by that bloke who works with Les. MC at Hammer’s returns on Tuesday night, with Terry’s brother Les, doing some blue material that he picked up from a Geordie. Wednesday night is Roast night as usual. This week’s roast is veal. Get your three quid to Chris at Bishop’s on Clyde Road by Monday night. Thursday night is ladies night, with Terry’s daughter Rosie running the show. Drinks for all ladies are free, providing you can get a man to buy them for you. Trish and Julie will be giving a brief excerpt from their new avant garde stage show, ‘Butterflies On The Hoe’ and Amanda will be doing the raffle. Friday night is Fright Day Night, with the latest European video nasty courtesy of that bloke who works with Les – entrance is two quid, but you get a free Bloody Mary. Saturday night sees the return of ‘Something for the weekend’ and this week it’s ‘Hammer’s and Thongs’ which sees two of Rosie’s mates offering lap dances for the lads. Entrance is invitation only, though Terry says invitations will be on offer for fifteen quid each, or free if you’re in the police. Sunday night wraps up the Hammer’s week with the usual lock in till 2am with a buffet of sausage rolls and breaded mushrooms courtesy of that bloke who works with Les.

I didn’t know it was a cat

A couple of things I need to get off my chest – firstly, the show seems to be getting a little better, but only due to all the fan mail I’m getting. I think you guys would do well to cut your losses, get rid of all the music and other stuff and rename the show to ‘Dustcast’ and just let me be. Speaking of which, I have this message for the landlord of Hammer’s on Sebastian Avenue – Terry, I had no idea the boy was your nephew and I certainly had no idea the cat was a rare breed or worth several thousands of pounds. I would have thought that the repeated mentions on my award winning segments on this show alone were driving ample new business your way, but if you must persist with this foolish vendetta, then you should know that Chris from Bishop Butchers on Clyde Road has been selling bad pasties to your patrons and been slipping a bit of extra meat to your daughter, Rosie, if you get me. It’s time to let bygones by bygones. Bye.

Dear Lesley…

This is Dustin Eyejuice. Firstly, a please to Lesley from the North Sea Libaries Association who spoke to me last Wednesday. I think you might have got the number of the phone box down wrong. I will try and call you back, but I didn’t write down the number I rang you on, as I was trying to get any lady on the line, using my 0800 system. Anyway, on Thursday, annoyed that Lesley hadn’t called back, I took a walk around Plymouth when I saw a small boy sitting by the side of the road, just off Sebastian Avenue. He was playing with a rat that he has befriended. In my dreary haze, confused and hormonal, I found myself kicking the rat to a premature death. To the boy, and to the boy’s father who proceeded to claim it was actually a cat, I offer this message of sympathy – when you’ve got your own podcast, and you’re getting offers from Hollywood to appear in films and the bloody North Sea Libraries Association haven’t rung back, it can all get on top of you and until you’re in the same place, I suggest you let it drop and stop asking the barmaids at Hammer’s where I live or when I’m going to buy you a new cat. Bye.

An Evening With Dustin Eyejuice

Hello boys and girls – Dustin Eyejuice here again with some great news for all my many fans. Terry, the landlord of Hammer’s on Sebastian Avenue has agreed to let me put on my own evenings. They’ll be called ‘An Evening With Dustin Eyejuice’ but won’t be as flashy as those shows you get on ITV. Also, it’s quite unlikely that Bob Carolgees will be there, but Bob, if you’re listening, I would love you to come. Entrance is a pound, or 50p if you’re Bob Carolgees or willing to pretend you are to impress the barmaids. While we’re talking about money, here’s a great way to save money on expensive phone calls – simply go to a phonebox and rings random 0800 numbers until a lady answers, then talk to her for a bit about yourself and hope she asks for your number. If she does, give her the number of the phonebox and say ‘I’m like the littlest hobo my dear..’ but you might like to qualify that statement but clarifying that you’re not a German Shephard. You don’t have to, and maybe she’ll like you more if you don’t. Bye.

About Hammers

Dustin Eyejuice here… I would like to voice my opinion that your first show was in fact, rubbish. You barely touched on some of the wonderful architecture in the city of Plymouth, you didn’t mention the Mayflower steps and least of all, you failed to mention my favourite pub, Hammer’s, on Sebastian Avenue. Come to Hammer’s on a Friday and get two for one Egg and Chips with a pint of any soft drink for an extra 30p. Also, my address seemed to get cut off, and as a result nobody bought my pens or my greatest hits CD, which coupled with the fact you never paid me has meant I’ve been cut off by the gas board and I’ve spent the last week having to eat all my food cold and uncooked and then trying to imagine it was cooked. It’s harder than it sounds too, and the girl I met in the hospital hasn’t written back to me since I served her a bowl of cold soup and made her think it was warm and that she was just going a little bit mad. Anyway, please make your show more locally relevant, and if you can send me any gas, that’d be useful. Bye.